Time

Though it is already beginning to seem so long ago, it has only been a short time since I freed my sister from her wretched existence. I do not mourn her, for she is far better off now than anyone who lives still. I do not blame her for her actions, and though I once blamed my father, I do no longer. I find no solace in the notion of blame or the man-made ideal of justice. Looking back, I see only an endless parade of victims, and this world already has more than its share of suffering.

I have been given the gift of life, far beyond most mortals, and it is only now that I can see it for a true blessing. Much has been sacrificed for my place in this world, and I must endeavor to be worthy. I will not live in regret of things I am unable to affect, but instead, I will find fortitude in it all. Now, I will take that strength and move forward.

First and foremost, I will ensure that the children of those who died are given the care they will inevitably need. Perhaps one day soon, they can be placed in the care of someone who will help them to overcome this tragedy. No one can take the place of those who have died, but they must know they are not alone.

Only now do I realize how much harm I have done to her. Looking back now, it is all starting to be so clear, but somehow it was completely hidden from me then. Cruelness comes in many forms, and it is not always as obvious as that which my sister had inflicted upon so many. I have wronged Felina in my selfishness and my disdain for her many efforts to be a true friend. She sacrificed so much for me, and all I gave her in return was anger and scorn.

She has left the city. I hear she now visits her holdings, and I cannot say that I blame her for leaving. I have left more than once without so much as a word under far less trying circumstances. Perhaps one day I can make it up to her, but I know that I must earn her trust again. Honestly, I am not sure I ever earned it in the first place. I will do everything in my power to be deserving of it.

Forward

I often wake up screaming these days, though it takes some time before I realize why. It has been some time since my sister, whatever small part made up the creature that claimed to be her, left this world for good. Setting her free also released a part of me that I did not know existed. There was no way for me to know what had happened so long ago other than what I saw with my own limited child’s eyes and the biased speculation of my so called rational adult self. A part of me was taken in a misguided attempt to keep her here.

Now though, my view on those events and much in this world has begun to shift. She had literally taken a part of me, but strangely, since I had begun to regain that, the memories of what my father did to us so long ago began to fade more and more each day. Now, I can feel sorrow for him, for what he went through. I forgive him now, though I still do not agree with what he did. Selfishly, I find some comfort in that. If there is forgiveness for such wickedness, then maybe there is hope for me as well.

My sister. It is still strange to me that I could have had a sibling. I continue to tell myself that what I destroyed was not her. She was the most unfortunate victim in all of this. She was made to stay here long beyond her time. I can only hope that she is far beyond the suffering that she both endured and caused. There are so many things that could have been, but there is nothing but pointless suffering in dwelling on those possibilities.

I try to focus on myself and those around me that are still here. Thinking back, there have been many in a relatively short time that met their demise at my hand. Many of them were seemingly deserving of judgment for the evils they committed, but more and more, I question my right to decide their fates. Still further, I know there is more than violence that can bring lasting harm to others. It is almost as if I am viewing my own memories through another’s eyes, but I am still responsible for them.